That Dreaded "Thing"

(Disclaimer: The following might be a bit vague, but bare with me.)

Do you ever find yourself in a place where you’ve come face to face with the one thing that just really gets under your skin? Your muscles tighten up. Emotions start to fester that you didn’t even know you had. You might even have some buried unforgiveness about this thing.  There’s no running from it. It’s here. And it’s in your face. And you’re going to deal with it now. That’s where I’ve been and the last couple of days have really tested me with this. To add to it, this “thing” has also made it really easy for me to lean into the negativity I’ve been trying to avoid.  It’s been downright encouraging me to be negative.

Has anyone ever pinned you down and tapped your forehead repeatedly until you just want to scream? No? Me neither. But I imagine it would feel pretty similar to what I’m experiencing. Incessant, annoying, nagging, and prodding that makes you think you’re two words from loosing it. And, yet, your forced to keep it together because, quite honestly, you have a lot to loose if you don’t.

Someone said to me the other day, “You know, this fast doesn’t mean you stuff negativity, pull up your boot straps, slap a smile on your face, and go on with your day. This means that, when you’re faced with negativity, you acknowledge your weakness and invite God into it.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  There is no time I know this more than the times when I’m at my breaking point. When I feel like I can’t take any more.

As much as I wanted to leave this situation and think, “I don’t know how much more I can take!”, I chose to seek God’s heart and wisdom. “God, show this to me through your eyes. What are you doing with this? What are you trying to teach me here?” (I’m still trying to figure that out.) There are so many parts of me that want to scream out and say, “Enough already!” But I know that God has put this “thing” in my life for a reason. If nothing else, to perhaps refine me through this 40 day journey.

On another note, I’ve also realized that just because you’re voicing something you’re struggling with doesn’t necessarily mean you’re being negative. No. We have to have more grace for ourselves than that. It’s how we voice it, and how we deal with it that makes the difference. For instance, I was sharing with someone about this “thing” and about 5 minutes in I thought, “Am I being negative?” I realized, “I’m not being negative, I’m being human.” I wasn’t complaining. I wasn’t whining. I wasn’t throwing some uncontrollable fit. I was processing through a challenging place.

Living free of negativity isn’t ignoring the crap in our lives. It’s choosing to deal with it in a way that doesn’t steal life, but gives life. Another verse that’s been coming to mind a lot lately is Matthew 6:27 – “Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?” The minute I start to worry, I think about this and realize that this worry, this negativity, is not adding life but actually stealing it.

The last few days have been challenging and, at times, frustrating. Through it all, I’ve had this this divine sense of peace that I can only think has come from God’s grace and favor.