Frustration, Devastation...and JOY!

Ok. So I’ve been slacking. I had a blog post…two weeks ago. It was a good one. You’ll have to trust me on this because it appears it disappeared into the blogger abyss. There’s nothing worse than writing a really long and thoughtful article/blog post and then finding out later that *poof* it’s gone!  (I realize now that this may have been a divine thing.) I’ve realized, when God calls us to do things, how easily our pride can get wrapped up in it. I remember finishing my post thinking, “this is good…and slightly controversial…but it’s so right on!” Then I realized: I’m writing this to encourage other people not to show people how awesome I am and how well I analyze things. (Which, at the end of the day, really isn’t that great.) Wow. That was humbling. Anyway, so here’s my post…which is totally unrelated to the post that’s floating around in the land of lost reports, articles, and blog posts.

It’s hard to be positive when things happen like the earthquake in Japan and the devastating tsunami that followed. Throughout the day, videos were being uploaded one by one. I sat and watched as it was all caught on tape. Watching the wall of water swallow cars that, seconds earlier, were speeding down the road trying to get away. On days like that, it’s hard not to allow the negativity to seep in. It breaks our hearts...and it should. 

As days followed, reports started coming in of death tolls, nuclear fears, devastation, and heartbreak. There were rumors of future earthquakes in California, and media coverage of the impending war in Libya that was hard to avoid. With all of this going on around us, how do we stay positive? How to we fight off the negativity that tugs at our hearts? How to find the answer to that nagging question: “Why?”

I wish I had the answers to this. I wish I could write this paragraph with some inspirational and encouraging word that would make us all feel better. All I can do is continue to remind myself how big my God is. I can’t make sense of these things. Watching these videos, it’s as if I’m watching a Hollywood Blockbuster film. Boats and cars floating over homes like toys in a bath tub. A friend of mine sent me a video that a man shot from the ground as the water was coming in. He slowly moved up a concrete ramp as the water quickly rose. I watched as the businesses across the street filled with water and then slowly lifted from their foundations and were swept away. I can’t wrap my head around that.

Then there are stories I hear like the 80 year old woman that was pulled from the rubble 3 days after the event and survived. I hear about the doctor who, after losing his wife and patients, continued to serve his community and help administer much needed medical aid. (This amazes me.) I hear about groups like Compassion that were there immediately after helping with rescue efforts. I hear about celebrities who are giving thousands of dollars to relief efforts. I hear about people I know donating to the Red Cross. It’s easy to feel so small when watching these things take place from the other side of the globe. We think, “What can I do? I’m just one person.” I am encouraged by the people that choose not to entertain that thought and see the bigger picture. I hear these stories, and I see hope.

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I’ve lost count of the days. I’m not sure what day of this fast I’m on. In the beginning, I counted the days. Every day was a challenge and I celebrated a small victory at the end of it. I thought, “This is challenging. I anticipated that. I can do this!” Now I’m a few weeks in and it’s becoming even more challenging than I thought. I think to myself, “Am I STILL doing this? Really? Come on! Can’t this be over already?” Complaining?  Negativity? Yeah. It finds it’s way in. It’s easy to be less conscious of these things as time goes on. I have to work at being aware of my thoughts, my reactions, and the things I say.

That being said, I will end with this: Living outside of negativity is not a 40 day project that will end on Easter Sunday. It’s not something that I’m trying out and will go back to my old ways at the end of it. Why would I want to? Who enjoys being around a negative person? I see this as a way of conditioning me to live better. To trust in God’s strength. To know that, at the end of the day, no matter how bad it was, I’m still me…and Jesus is still my savior…and His promises still stand. That’s where I find my hope. That’s where I let go of the negativity and choose joy.

That Dreaded "Thing"

(Disclaimer: The following might be a bit vague, but bare with me.)

Do you ever find yourself in a place where you’ve come face to face with the one thing that just really gets under your skin? Your muscles tighten up. Emotions start to fester that you didn’t even know you had. You might even have some buried unforgiveness about this thing.  There’s no running from it. It’s here. And it’s in your face. And you’re going to deal with it now. That’s where I’ve been and the last couple of days have really tested me with this. To add to it, this “thing” has also made it really easy for me to lean into the negativity I’ve been trying to avoid.  It’s been downright encouraging me to be negative.

Has anyone ever pinned you down and tapped your forehead repeatedly until you just want to scream? No? Me neither. But I imagine it would feel pretty similar to what I’m experiencing. Incessant, annoying, nagging, and prodding that makes you think you’re two words from loosing it. And, yet, your forced to keep it together because, quite honestly, you have a lot to loose if you don’t.

Someone said to me the other day, “You know, this fast doesn’t mean you stuff negativity, pull up your boot straps, slap a smile on your face, and go on with your day. This means that, when you’re faced with negativity, you acknowledge your weakness and invite God into it.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  There is no time I know this more than the times when I’m at my breaking point. When I feel like I can’t take any more.

As much as I wanted to leave this situation and think, “I don’t know how much more I can take!”, I chose to seek God’s heart and wisdom. “God, show this to me through your eyes. What are you doing with this? What are you trying to teach me here?” (I’m still trying to figure that out.) There are so many parts of me that want to scream out and say, “Enough already!” But I know that God has put this “thing” in my life for a reason. If nothing else, to perhaps refine me through this 40 day journey.

On another note, I’ve also realized that just because you’re voicing something you’re struggling with doesn’t necessarily mean you’re being negative. No. We have to have more grace for ourselves than that. It’s how we voice it, and how we deal with it that makes the difference. For instance, I was sharing with someone about this “thing” and about 5 minutes in I thought, “Am I being negative?” I realized, “I’m not being negative, I’m being human.” I wasn’t complaining. I wasn’t whining. I wasn’t throwing some uncontrollable fit. I was processing through a challenging place.

Living free of negativity isn’t ignoring the crap in our lives. It’s choosing to deal with it in a way that doesn’t steal life, but gives life. Another verse that’s been coming to mind a lot lately is Matthew 6:27 – “Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?” The minute I start to worry, I think about this and realize that this worry, this negativity, is not adding life but actually stealing it.

The last few days have been challenging and, at times, frustrating. Through it all, I’ve had this this divine sense of peace that I can only think has come from God’s grace and favor. 

Road Rage, Perfectionism and Sleep Deprivation

The last 3 days have been entertaining, to say the least. I feel like, every day, I notice something specific that is a weakness for me when it comes to being negative. On Friday, it was Road Rage. 

I used to enjoy driving. I rarely used my horn. If someone cut me off, I would get annoyed for half a second and move on. This was all before I lived in New York. I'm surprised my horn still works. As I was driving home Friday evening, this guy cut me off...no wait...he coasted in front of me from the lane on my right over to the lane to my left. I immediately blurted out, "What the?! Nice, dude!" As I proceeded to inch up on the guy in front of me to prevent anyone else from  pulling such stunts, I realized....something about this feels slightly negative. As I backed off and eventually let someone in front of me, I felt challenged to let go of the aggressiveness that was triggered by my commute. I challenged myself to let go of my agenda and the emotions that I so easily let take over when someone interferes with it. Ahhh, that was freeing. I actually quite enjoyed the rest of the drive home. That is, until I wanted to get off at my exit....I was about 1 mile from my exit and I could see traffic was stopped up and I eventually came to a halt. I sighed and started getting flustered thinking about how I should have taken the exit before and how I was going to be late getting to where I was going and on and on and on. Again I thought, " Wait a minute! No negativity. How can I turn this around?" I decided it was a good opportunity to listen to a worship CD I hadn't listened to in a while and quickly found myself worshiping and, once again, actually enjoying grid lock. (Typing that just now kind of threw me. "Enjoying grid-lock?!")

Saturday, I was crafting a shirt for the "Runnin' of the Green" with a friend of mine. I had pretty much finished the shirt and was very pleased with how it came out. I decided to go over the letters one last time to make them stand out. As I did, the unthinkable happened....a smudge!! Gasp! No!! I blurted out, "Oh no!! I can't believe I did that. That sucks!" I tried to fix it and continued to complain about it as I did it. I then caught myself and thought, "I'm being rather negative at the moment." Everything was going according to my plan and worked out very nicely and then I smudged the paint! How could I let that happen?!

How many times do "smudges" work their way into our lives? Our perfectly planned out lives. How do we respond? This painted a bigger picture for me than just what happened with the shirt. I started to think about all the times life throws me curve balls and how I have a choice (whether it feels like it in the moment or not) to let my emotions take over and respond out of fear, anxiety, and negativity or to take a minute to think about the bigger picture. The fact is, things don't always go according to OUR plans do they? But, more often than not, I look back and realize how trivial it was. Sometimes, things even work out better than we "planned" for them to. (You couldn't even see the smudge after it dried.) .... I feel like I could go on and on about the "smudge" metaphor, but I'll save that for another time.

This (above) is how I felt yesterday. (And am still feeling a bit of it today.) Yesterday was the "Runnin' of the Green" and it was SO much fun! I'm definitely doing it every year! Yesterday afternoon, I was so tired and run down and dehydrated. I was cranky and started to feel my positive mentality slip. I wanted to complain. (I think I started to at one point.) I was suddenly aware (I feel like I say that a lot...it HAS been happening a lot!) of the fact that, when I'm not necessarily 100%, I'm not as aware of myself and the way I act. It took me a lot longer to catch my mood slipping and my words that followed. Once I did, however, I once again had a choice. I could have sulked and complained and I would have been miserable to be around....let alone I would have made myself miserable. Instead, I chose to acknowledge the fact that I was tired and didn't feel well. I got some water and decided that I didn't want to spend the rest of my day like this. The rest of the day, in my opinion, turned out completely different than it would have had I chose to let the negativity take over. (As I would normally do.) I went to dinner, I had some good laughs, and got to bed early. It was a good day!

I'm now at the tail end of day 6. I'm getting ready to make the drive home and I like to think I will deal with the traffic a bit differently today.

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

And so it begins...

I'm on day 2 of my 40 day adventure. It's amazing how much more I notice negativity now that I'm so focused on avoiding it. 

How do you define negativity? Is talking about something that went wrong considered negative or is it just sharing with someone about your day? Then, if I put a positive twist on it does it void the negativity or is it still negative? The margins in this challenge are vague and it's been interesting, already, to search my heart and really define the areas where I tend to lean toward negativity. I've effectively decided that anything that doesn't bear good fruit is probably negative and not necessary to discuss or entertain. (Seems like a no-brainer.) I think to myself, "If I say this or entertain that conversation, will it benefit me or the other person in any way?" If the answer is no, it's time to move on. Although, there's a twist in this method of thinking as well. I could easily think, "Well, of course. If I vent this, I will feel better. So, of course it will benefit me." But that doesn't mean it's good or positive or necessary.

Tonight I realized that it's a lot harder to live this out when I'm hanging with a group of friends. I caught myself more tonight than I have in the last two days. I was looking for a parking space and finally found one that was fairly close to where we were going and proclaimed, "Awww man. Now I have to pay for parking!" Seriously? I totally missed the fact that I got a sweet parking spot! Fortunately, my cohorts quickly brought this to my attention and I realized just how hard this adventure is going to be. 

Later, we were headed somewhere else and I was pulled over. As I was stopping my car, I could feel the tension coming up and, again, my trusty cohorts quickly reminded me that I shouldn't get worked up over something so small. Turns out, the cop that pulled me over was the nicest cop I've ever met (aside from my father). He only pulled me over to inform me of the fact that the lane switch I made was a common and yet dangerous one that people don't realize is illegal. He never even asked for my license!

I realize how much I worry and fret over things that are out of my control and is, at times, not even necessary. I focus on the "what if's" rather than the truth of what's in front of me. I believe it's referred to as "making a mountain out of a mole hill". (Random Note: Has anyone ever actually seen a real mole hill?)

Lastly, I had a realization today that it is nearly impossible for me to live out the things God's called me to if I'm constantly focusing on the negative. If I so easily defeat myself, how can I possibly encourage others?

Let's do this!

I've decided to give up negativity for 40 days. I am choosing to live outside of complaining and negative thoughts, conversation, etc. I recently realized just how critical I can be sometimes and how often I claim defeat before I even reach the starting line. More often than not, I find myself regretting something I said or thinking to myself, "where did that come from?", as I swallow the awkwardness and try to move on. I believe God has so much more for me if I'd only trust him and choose the joy I so easily pass up every day. I know this is going to be a difficult task and I won't quit if I slip up, I will only try harder to be more aware of these things.


I've decided to blog about this in case there's anyone else out there that might struggle with the plague of negativity like I do. I hope this encourages you. I anticipate challenging moments and glorious revelations. My hope is that I will come out of this with a renewed sense of faith and joy. I don't want to be the nay-sayer. I don't want to be the negative person no one wants to talk to. I want to give life. I want to speak life. I want to be freed from the plague of negativity.


Ready.


Set.


Go!